Monday, March 2, 2009 . 4:32 AM

I see that I've made a few people unhappy over the past few days, driving them to hate me. Well, it's a horrible, horrible feeling to be hated by more and more people each day, and this is primarily caused by my love for arguing and my ability to go on as if everything is normal after a particularly heated and vehement one. But apparently, they don't... and try, rather bewilderingly, to hide that fact.

This, people, is the dance of masks. Where the opposing side tries by all means and all ways to keep the mask on, even to the extent of lying for the sake of keeping up pretenses. This is bad, but we all do it sometimes, even me, for the sake of avoiding conflict and being more or less happy. Many a times, I have to supress my views and try not to impose them on other people to still be friends with them, for example... the problem of this approach is that sooner or later, very obvious signs will come through that will make them realize your fascade in time, as you have to vent your frustration, anger, sadness, others... some way or another. Masks are far less genuine than the real thing after all... and after awhile, things get pretty dumb.

My pet peeve here is the masks worn by people who actually are annoyed with me to some extent already. In this case, unlike the opposite where people wear those masks out of a genuine want to keep a friendship or so on, these misguided people decide to wear masks so as to not spark anything big, and yet distance themselves away from people as far as possible without being too obvious. Signs include, say, constant excuses to drive people away, refusal to be called on the pretense of business, conversations where the opposing side might as well be using chatting macros, etc. all of these slowly but surely contribute to a very very uncomfortable feeling that will accumulate over time, and will lead to a lot of things.

Of course, when you dance with masks on, your sense of vision is severely impeded at times, and that makes you trip over yourself rather clumsily a good number of times. Evidences can be obvious contradictions of interest, stupid, not-thought-out reasons to drive people away (a.k.a I'm studying and I can't comment to your post even though I commented to people who posted later than you did it makes perfect sense go away darnit), and this is usually the final straw for the dancing partner. They demand to know the truth, the opposing party manages to tie themselves in more and more knots (e.g they are closer to me than you will ever be, omg you don't believe don't believe lah), and when you press forward as hard as you can, they break down and in the heat of impassioned fervor spill out everything; every single point of discontentness being thrown at you, throwing the mask down as angrily as possible and taking a deep breath in order to seem bigger than usual while shouting at you. Blinded by rage, they tend not to see the obvious too, and that makes them look silly. This is followed by a long period of silence.

Of course, there are some who take advantage of the missteps the one not wearing the mask makes, and see that as a perfect excuse to walk away with a dignified expression.

The above, as you can see from my portrayal, is absolutely silly and foolish and has no plausible explanation that I can think of. It is silly to try and avoid conflict by wearing a mask and minimizing contact, because those exact same things will lead to an even bigger blowup than usual. People don't like to be caught red-handed, and are really rather angry when they are discovered, so in order to try and win you, they tend to exaggerate everything (e.g I won't apologize you fag i didn't do anything wrong). They also tend to forget everything you have done for them in the process, the reviews made, the encouragment given, the good conversations had and gifts exchanged, and emphasize the bad to such a large extent that it makes you out to be a really really horrible person when you're in fact not totally so. Also they tend to forget that you're a person with feelings too, and unlike theirs up to this point, yours are genuine. Really superficial outburst that is quite banal and that can be easily countered if one bothers to.

Even the idea of using masks to save time and energy is silly. You're going to waste your time blowing up things anyways. So what do I suggest here? Simple. Instead of throwing down the mask and breaking it into pieces when the peak of anger comes, why not be natural and tell the other party what you don't want from him and 'argue' out with him in a sensible way? Or if he doesn't seem sensible, then simply tell him, that you're annoyed with him and such, and that you disagree with everything he says. Or if you really hate him, just kill him (but make sure to say something of course. Don't ignore, that's blatant barbarism). It can't be anymore painful than now, for example, and it certainly cannot expend more time and energy than the peak I have described above, becomes it comes sooner than later, and probably at less magnitude than the long periods of silence and the sensationsalism that comes as things get pent up. There's also some chance that you guys as friends can continue dancing without the masks on, and stay as friends and strengthen that friendship.

So in short, using fascades to cover up the fact that you're annoyed at someone is really short-sighted and rather retarded. If it's, however, a genuine attempt to keep the friendship, than that is better, because you're still being natural about your feelings on the whole, and is less freaking obvious than the many spiked barbs that you're going to dance into blind and unprepared.

Thursday, December 18, 2008 . 1:16 AM

I've been starting to hate the word 'deserve' lately when one uses it in the negative, condemning sense, in that it is really just an additional way to impose views and thoughts onto someone else. It is, by very definition, a generalist word of personal measure, which says absolutely nothing on it's own, for it is really impossible for there to be a universal definition encompassing everyone's views of who should deserve what and not. Poetic justice is one attempt at it, but even so, it's merely popular morals and beliefs taken form, which not everyone agrees with. I hate the dramatic perversions of it by some people to fit poetic justice for their needs, though. For example,

"You deserve to die for killing my daughter"

is pretty much fine and accepted thinking for many people, having firm foundations in the idea of revenge as a form of justice, as popularized in Shakesphere, popular belief, and Hollywood. And

But things like...

"I think your method of studying sucks and you don't deserve as many marks as the person who does things the conventional way, even though practice seems to say otherwise."

"You didn't sign up for Math Remedial while the smartest guy in class did! You deserve to get very low marks this exam"

"You have no outside interest for maths outside of textbook syllabus, you're only doing this for bland necessity, and obviously, you don't deserve to get as high as me.

"You took the shortcut around the mountain while I had to climb to the peak, endure dangerous perils, mosquitoes, avalanches, frostbite, and an amputated arm. I don't care about what you think, the fact remains that I endured more suffering while you hardly suffered any; obviously I [b]deserve[/b] to win the race more than you do. Because suffering is good. "

... are things I really find issue with, especially the above two. Who speaks for the perpertrator? Himself! Whose views that blind suffering and effort should always prevail over a good sense direction are they? The person speaking! Then why use the word 'deserve' to signal softly, the empty chorus of a hundred voices backing the person up? Why use the word 'deserve' to signal a dark omen, a dark presence waiting to smite people down for the 'sins' they have caused? It is so offensively dumb, that I don't know what else to say, and I hate it especially when I'm used in front of the word itself. It is used as a balloon for closed-minded people to scare people and play offensive, but such fascades wouldn't (and shouldn't) last for long, for a balloon is forever far smaller than it seems.

So yeah, emphasize the "me and myself feel that you deserve to die in a smelly pit" aspect of any such condemnation instead of words such as 'deserve' now. I'm not really speaking of religion and more obvious moral sensitivities among the public, I'm speaking of things that are obviously legal, obviously alright and acceptable, that people can't stand due to jealousy, emotional impassioned fervor, or simple hatred, resorting to eupherisms such as 'deserve' to push forward their point without much reason. Also, I'm sad for no reason, but yay, got that out of my system.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008 . 3:06 PM

When you spend the entire afternoon doing Kakuro puzzles and eating fruitcake, being unable and unwilling to do anything you would normally like to do, you know that you're pretty much in despair. You think of some people (not just one) and well, you start to have an inferiority complex, that you're not much to many people, that you're just someone insignificant drifiting in the wind, important only to yourself and nothing else.

You start feeling that, despite all your achievements, all your notecharts, your stories, your music, your compositions, you almost feel as if you would like to burn them all in order to say, be better friends with many people, and that... you might be annoying a certain number of people. You have a yearning for having better rapport with lots of people; this year has told me that most of your worth is measured by how others value you. I feel as if I'm quite peniless.

You then start to see ghosts and phantoms everywhere. Perhaps, he hates you, perhaps she's not too happy about what you did yesterday, perhaps you were a bit too arrogant, too ignorant about some minor detail and that people are not your friend anymore. A few people have forsaken me because I have recurring diseases of the personality, which leads to quarantine and death in solitude. You then start thinking deeply, and after awhile, the most absurd of hypotheses seem to make sense.

People have told me, time and time again, that the best thing to do in this case is absolutely nothing. It seems kind of paradoxical, in almost all other cases, it's almost always good to do something. So sometimes, I kind of find myself unable to stop myself, so I start typing something long, inflammatory, and jump to conclusion-ey against someone I find vague issue with.

Then when I'm about to press send, you then remember what that person has done for you. Not great in magnitude or number, but sincere at heart. Perhaps he/she doesn't hate you after all. You then decide to talk to him/her for awhile, and you find out that everything is fine.

This happens once in a fortnight for me. It's a neverening cycle, and I'm pretty much sick of it. Wish I could cure myself. (pun)

Sunday, December 7, 2008 . 11:12 PM

I have been playing this little group game on various forums throughout the last three months, on and off due to promos and such. Well, it's very interesting, and I'm pretty much hooked on it and intending to spread out to some friends.

Do refer to this flash...

Here

I'm sure that some people might have played this as a party game and such, but the forum version's a little different. In the live version, I guess it's pretty much more of looking at faces and guilty reactions than analyzing arguments, but in the forums, it's pretty much a different ball game altogether. There is substantial theory published about the game... and it's a great test of argumentative skill, blending into territory, and all sorts of things.

Basically, the game is as follows. There are two groups of people, town and mafia. Mafia know who they are, while townies don't. The aim of the Mafia is to kill enough townies for themselves to form a majority, while that of town is to eliminate all mafia. During the day phase, everyone discusses, with townies trying to confirm themselves and push lynches on who they think is scum by voting, and scum trying to hide. There are various arguments to do this. After a majority of votes is formed, the person is lynched and his identity revealed. Then during the night phase, scum will night kill one of the townies. This goes on, I guess... Of course, there are plenty of variations, but this is the basic game. Ho well... yeah.

Also, I got more music scores. Quite happy with that.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008 . 11:18 PM

Crawl is an interesting rouge-like dungeon crawl game which I have been toying around with for the past few days. Here's my best run so far.

---

6829 Dazzaqui the Slicer (level 10, -9/67 HPs)
Began as a Sludge Elf Assassin on Dec 1, 2008.
Killed from afar by an electrical eel (12 damage)
... with a bolt of electricity
... on Level 13 of the Dungeon.
The game lasted 02:18:33 (15342 turns).

Dazzaqui the Slicer (Sludge Elf Assassin) Turns: 15342, Time: 02:18:33

HP -9/67 AC 11 Str 10 Exp: 10/9097 (1), need: 214
MP 14/14 EV 16 Int 16 God: No God
Gold 462 SH 0 Dex 20 Spells: 1 memorised, 10 levels left

Res.Fire : . . . See Invis. : . R - +2,+3 short sword
Res.Cold : . . . Warding : . C - +3 leather armour
Life Prot.: . . . Conserve : . (no shield)
Res.Poison: . Res.Corr. : + o - +0 helmet
Res.Elec. : . Clarity : . d - -1 elf cloak
K - +3 pair of gloves of Traecat
Sust.Abil.: . Rnd.Telep. : . (no boots)
Res.Mut. : . Ctrl.Telep.: . s - amulet of resist corrosion
Res.Slow : . Levitation : . L - ring of wizardry
Saprovore : . . . Ctrl.Flight: . r - +2 ring of intelligence

@: somewhat resistant to magic, very stealthy
A: Dex +1
a: no special abilities


You were on level 13 of the Dungeon.
You were not hungry.

You visited 2 branches of the dungeon, and saw 15 of its levels.

Inventory:

Hand weapons
a - a +1,+3 elven dagger
b - a +0,+0 elven blowgun
t - a +0,+0 hammer
u - a +0,+1 sling
w - a -1,+0 orcish short sword
D - a +0,+0 knife
G - a +0,+0 whip
R - a +2,+3 short sword (weapon)
T - a +0,+0 bow
Missiles
e - a poisoned +0 elven needle
i - 221 +0 stones
A - 19 poisoned +0 needles
Armour
c - a +1 elven robe
d - a -1 elven cloak (worn)
o - a +0 helmet (worn)
q - a +0 animal skin
z - a +0 pair of gloves
C - a +3 leather armour (worn)
K - the +3 pair of gloves of Traecat (worn)
(You found it on level 5 of the Dungeon)
It affects your accuracy (+3).
Magical devices
p - a wand of slowing (5)
Comestibles
k - 3 apples
n - a choko
v - a bread ration
y - a meat ration
Scrolls
g - a scroll of enchant weapon II
h - 3 scrolls of magic mapping
j - 2 scrolls of remove curse
m - 2 scrolls of teleportation
B - a scroll of fear
Q - 3 scrolls of detect curse
V - a scroll of identify
Jewellery
f - an uncursed amulet of conservation
r - a +2 ring of intelligence (left hand)
s - an amulet of resist corrosion (around neck)
L - a ring of wizardry (right hand)
Potions
N - 2 potions of resistance
Books
l - a book of Hinderance
x - a book of Charms


You had 1 experience left.

Skills:
+ Level 7 Fighting
+ Level 10 Short Blades
+ Level 2 Darts
+ Level 10 Dodging
+ Level 8 Stealth
+ Level 3 Stabbing
+ Level 2 Traps & Doors
+ Level 1 Spellcasting
+ Level 3 Evocations


You had 10 spell levels left.
You knew the following spells:

Your Spells Type Power Success Level
a - Confusing Touch Ench #......... Very Good 1


Overview of the Dungeon

Branches:
Lair : D:9

Altars:
Beogh: D:11

Shops:
D:6: !


Innate Abilities, Weirdness & Mutations

You are agile (Dex +1).


Message History

The imp blinks.
The giant brown frog hits you!
* * * LOW HITPOINT WARNING * * *
The giant brown frog hits you but doesn't do any damage.
The electrical eel shoots out a bolt of electricity!
The bolt of electricity hits the slime creature.
The bolt of electricity hits you!

#############
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................
.............[..
.....5FJ........
.......@........
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You could see an imp, four slime creatures, a giant brown frog, and an electrical eel.

Vanquished Creatures
2 giant brown frogs
A cyclops (D:12)
Donald (D:11)
2 hungry ghosts
A yak (D:11)
A necrophage (D:11)
3 ogres
5 big kobolds (D:7)
3 centaurs
3 ice beasts
3 phantoms
6 war dogs (Lair:2)
4 gila monsters
The ghost of Dazzaqui the Insei, an average SEMo (D:3)
A yellow wasp (D:11)
5 giant frogs
A brain worm (D:12)
4 brown snakes
5 orc warriors
5 killer bees (D:10)
A yaktaur zombie (D:11)
6 imps
5 hounds
4 orc priests
2 wights
A shadow (D:9)
4 orc wizards
3 scorpions
6 giant iguanas
Ijyb (D:8)
2 jellies
A worm (D:6)
A big kobold zombie (D:7)
A giant lizard zombie (D:8)
7 snakes
A giant mite (D:3)
An ooze (D:4)
2 giant eyeballs
4 giant cockroaches
8 giant geckos
17 goblins
17 grey rats
15 hobgoblins
4 jackals (D:9)
53 orcs
5 quokkas
19 giant bats
10 giant newts
A hobgoblin zombie (D:5)
18 kobolds
A kobold zombie (D:5)
11 rats
2 small snakes
A plant (D:11)
292 creatures vanquished.

Vanquished Creatures (others)
A hobgoblin (D:8)
4 orcs
A giant newt (D:5)
3 rats
9 creatures vanquished.

Grand Total: 301 creatures vanquished

Notes
Turn | Place | Note
--------------------------------------------------------------
0 | D:1 | Dazzaqui, the Sludge Elf Assassin, began the quest for the Orb.
0 | D:1 | Reached XP level 1. HP: 12/12 MP: 0/0
293 | D:1 | Reached XP level 2. HP: 17/18 MP: 1/1
1756 | D:2 | Reached XP level 3. HP: 25/26 MP: 2/3
2011 | D:2 | Reached skill 4 in Stealth
2810 | D:3 | Reached XP level 4. HP: 30/30 MP: 4/4
2885 | D:3 | Defeated Dazzaqui's ghost
2885 | D:3 | Reached XP level 5. HP: 28/34 MP: 5/5
4569 | D:5 | Entered Level 5 of the Dungeon
4597 | D:5 | Reached XP level 6. HP: 36/38 MP: 6/7
4615 | D:5 | Got a pair of bloodstained gloves
4618 | D:5 | Identified the +3 pair of gloves of Traecat (You found it on level 5 of the Dungeon)
4757 | D:5 | Reached skill 5 in Stealth
5428 | D:5 | Reached skill 5 in Dodging
5794 | D:6 | Reached XP level 7. HP: 44/44 MP: 8/8
5813 | D:6 | Reached skill 5 in Short Blades
6053 | D:6 | Reached skill 1 in Traps & Doors
6141 | D:6 | Reached skill 1 in Spellcasting
6152 | D:6 | Reached skill 1 in Evocations
6173 | D:6 | Reached XP level 8. HP: 47/48 MP: 10/11
6751 | D:7 | Reached skill 6 in Dodging
7048 | D:7 | Reached skill 7 in Dodging
7248 | D:7 | Reached XP level 9. HP: 45/57 MP: 12/13
7973 | D:8 | Reached skill 5 in Fighting
8401 | D:8 | Reached skill 8 in Short Blades
8526 | D:8 | Noticed Ijyb
8539 | D:8 | Defeated Ijyb
9628 | Lair:1 | Entered Level 1 of the Lair of Beasts
10140 | Lair:2 | Reached XP level 10. HP: 45/63 MP: 14/14
10271 | Lair:2 | Reached skill 9 in Short Blades
10693 | Lair:2 | HP: 1/65 [gila monster (12)]
10712 | Lair:2 | Gained mutation: You are agile (Dex +1).
11142 | Lair:1 | Learned a level 1 spell: Confusing Touch
11501 | D:10 | Entered Level 10 of the Dungeon
12871 | D:11 | Noticed Donald
13405 | D:11 | Reached skill 10 in Short Blades
13417 | D:11 | Defeated Donald
13534 | D:11 | Reached skill 10 in Dodging
15341 | D:13 | HP: 3/67 [giant brown frog (9)]
15342 | D:13 | Killed from afar by an electrical eel

---

Yes, this is a game where you can die when luck turns against you. I never knew that an electric eel could shoot out electric bolts, but nooo, it did and did a huge amount of damage. It's rather classic (we're talking about 1980s), but these kind of games have the strategic depth and openess that RPGs nowadays usually do not possess (yes, even Final Fantasy).

So there you have it. Do search it up on wikipedia, if you're interested.

Labels: Games

Monday, December 1, 2008 . 11:12 PM

Oh yay, I haven't updated this blog in like 5 months. Seems that I can never be consistent in things that I'm not too interested in. In fact, the reason why I'm actually writing something now is because a friend of mine started blogging again. Since I have been engaging in a few interesting activities lately during the holidays, I guess I could start from there. Right now, all I'll say is that I have worthwhile plans for the rest of the holidays, and it's in my interest to fufill their goals. Also, I'm quite happy that a great many people whom I thought hated me don't really hate me after all. Some people still do, though.

Thursday, July 3, 2008 . 9:54 PM

*sighs* With what is possibly the worst exam result in my whole entire life, I can safely say that, in order to do anything close to well, effort needs to be put in. To be honest, I have never liked the education system in Singapore; the scatterburst system, where one spends so much time to study subjects just to forget them two years later. The phantoms of history, geography, literature, and biology gives this accusation shape and solidity; subjects I have learnt vaguely about the past years and have almost completely forgotten now. It is hard to deny the fact that education here is inherently flawed; it's like a journey forcing you to carry heavy, heavy bags, and to drop some of them unopened at checkpoints. And soon, chemistry, and economics would join the festival of ghosts, haunting me as I think of time lost; which I could have used for an inifinite amount of things.

I strongly feel this way, but unfortunately, the more I think about my views, the more I realize that... no matter how correct they maybe, there is no point in sodding about them. After all, for the likes of me, and many others, our system is the only sure step forward. The road may be long and winding, but it's the only clear one. All other paths, such as entrepreunership, lead into dark forests of the unknown, which may result in people falling into ditches or getting eaten by leprachauns by something; though I guess the wary do make it out with money faster than those who go by education. But... there's no complaining about it... I have to do well, because I have no alternative. I maybe gifted in compososition, but the truth remains that there are many better than me out there. Same goes to story writing or programming; education is the only sure step forward. And I have to abide by that path; due to my environment; there's no way around it.

This is not to say that I agree with education even on the most basic level; I consider a composed song; a story written, worth a day of school, and there are instances where I have skipped school due to mild discomforts for the sake of finishing these pet projects. No one can blame me for this, for material that can be looked back on with pride more than compensates forhalf-filled lecture notes and lost 'going through time'.

*sighs*

Okay, this rant has no point at all, as I have stated, since there is no other way to go it. It probably indicates, however, that I have lost the drive to study anything quite a long time ago; and the fact that the method worked (to some extent) for the 'O's did... encourage me a little. It is sad, but the truth remains that I must work harder, with great reluctance, in order to score well enough to fight another year. Perhaps some subjects could be worked on; perhaps I could do some psychological tricks for motivation; perhaps I can set certain people as the benchmark to aim for. Either way, I have to do something about this; being able to spell BEES with grades is not a good thing in any sense.

Labels: rants