Wednesday, December 10, 2008 . 3:06 PM

When you spend the entire afternoon doing Kakuro puzzles and eating fruitcake, being unable and unwilling to do anything you would normally like to do, you know that you're pretty much in despair. You think of some people (not just one) and well, you start to have an inferiority complex, that you're not much to many people, that you're just someone insignificant drifiting in the wind, important only to yourself and nothing else.

You start feeling that, despite all your achievements, all your notecharts, your stories, your music, your compositions, you almost feel as if you would like to burn them all in order to say, be better friends with many people, and that... you might be annoying a certain number of people. You have a yearning for having better rapport with lots of people; this year has told me that most of your worth is measured by how others value you. I feel as if I'm quite peniless.

You then start to see ghosts and phantoms everywhere. Perhaps, he hates you, perhaps she's not too happy about what you did yesterday, perhaps you were a bit too arrogant, too ignorant about some minor detail and that people are not your friend anymore. A few people have forsaken me because I have recurring diseases of the personality, which leads to quarantine and death in solitude. You then start thinking deeply, and after awhile, the most absurd of hypotheses seem to make sense.

People have told me, time and time again, that the best thing to do in this case is absolutely nothing. It seems kind of paradoxical, in almost all other cases, it's almost always good to do something. So sometimes, I kind of find myself unable to stop myself, so I start typing something long, inflammatory, and jump to conclusion-ey against someone I find vague issue with.

Then when I'm about to press send, you then remember what that person has done for you. Not great in magnitude or number, but sincere at heart. Perhaps he/she doesn't hate you after all. You then decide to talk to him/her for awhile, and you find out that everything is fine.

This happens once in a fortnight for me. It's a neverening cycle, and I'm pretty much sick of it. Wish I could cure myself. (pun)